February 25: Bullying

Bullies are everywhere. They come in all forms, shapes and sizes. The bigger school kid who picks on the smaller one. The corporation that intentionally sets up shop in a neighborhood in an effort to drive all Mom-and-Pop establishments out of business. And, since bullying is everywhere, we can't hide from it, but rather we need to become effective at managing it. All of us have a hand in that, but most of us just don't know how to go about it in an effective manner. I received my first lesson his evening when I attended a (mandatory) "Bullying Workshop" at my daughter's school. The Guest Speaker was Dr. Marcia McEvoy, a licensed Psychologist who has worked in a variety of settings in three states; including public schools, community mental health, a child guidance clinic, and two universities. She is an expert in the area of violence prevention, including the prevention of youth suicide, and the author of Preventing Youth Suicide: A Handbook for Educators and Human Service Professionals. I actually learned a lot from this experience. For example, I was always of the philosophy that bullies are children who come from a home in which they themselves are bullied or abused. Not so. Dr. McEvoy claims that bullies typically come from two types of backgrounds: (1) Kids with too much freedom and not enough love and/or structure at home. She says these bullies are usually forthright with their aggressive/mean behavior, as opposed to concealing that behavior under a mask of deceit like the other group...(2) The "narcissistic" home in which the parents are grooming little princesses and princes. These kids typically bully their parents from a young age forward in order to get their way and the materialistic things they want. Another tidbit I picked up is that girls tend to bully within their friendship circle, while boys tend to bully outside of that circle. And, finally, bullying requires the act to be intentional, repeated and involve an imbalance of power between the parties involved. Thus, it goes well beyond the physical component, including gestures, body language, and verbal attacks. And, it's amazing to me how statistics show that when "bystanders, those kids standing around watching the bullying occur, actually intervene how dramatically the bullying behavior stops versus when those children say nothing or walk away when they see it. Like I said, I learned a lot from this event. Unfortunately, the biggest thing I learned is how much I fear for the safety of my children while they're in school; a place where we expect our kids to be safe and nurtured. Sure, I remember my school days and, of course, we had bullying. There was name calling, shoving and the occasional fisticuffs after school. But, I never once witnessed a child beat another child so severely that he had to go to the hospital. It's a shame that we live in a time in which aggressive behavior in children has become so extreme, that it frightens even me as an adult.