February 20: Ikea

There's an episode of "Family Guy" that always comes to mind whenever I hear the name Ikea. The episode is titled "Hell Comes to Quahog" . It focuses on a new, behemoth of a superstore (conveniently called Superstore USA) that opens in the city in which the Griffin family resides (Quahog) and proceeds to suck up the city's power supply in order to keep the store running. The family's dog, Brian, describes it as a "big, evil corporation". Well, my feelings towards Ikea are nowhere along those lines, basically, because I'd never been in the store before. But, I have been curious to see what all the "hub-bub" was about. With the kids having a sleep-over at their Ahma's house, my wife and I decided today was the day we would pledge Ikea and become a Fraternity brother and Sorority sister to this worldwide enigma! So, we took the 1-hour drive from our house out to the lone Ikea location in the surrounding metropolitan area. For us, a feat in itself! Upon arriving, we found the parking to be simple and easy; thus, we started off on the right foot. Unfortunately, from there, it all went South....or as Little Nicky would say "the deep south"! We entered the facility and, quite honestly, had no idea what to do or where to go next. There were carts and bags to our right, an up escalator directly in front of us, and what appeared to be an entrance to another area of the place in the back left corner. Luckily, there were 2 very unhelpful Ikea associates doing the meet-and-greet with shoppers who were surprisingly able to point us in the direction of the "showroom" (which is up the escalator for those of you Ikea virgins out there planning your first experience). The showroom, we soon discovered, is basically everything the store sells on display. Ironically, you can't buy any of it from the showroom, but rather you must take down it's location in the marketplace on the first floor below and then locate it yourself once you've completed the showroom journey. And, I'm not kidding at all about that. It's literally a journey - one way in, one way out; and that way out is at the end of the yellow brick showroom road. Here's the best part, towards the end of the showroom there is a cafeteria conveniently placed for those hungry shoppers who've just had to travel the winding showroom path that is the equivalent of 3-5 miles, in my mind. Here you can dine on a delectable assortment of meals and/or snacks at a remarkably cheap price. I opted for the Swedish meatballs, being that Ikea is of that same origin, and I was presented a plate of approximately 15-17 meatballs, a dollop of mashed potatoes and some lingonberries (whatever those are). All for the low, low price of just 4.99; beverage included. Then, it was onward to the Marketplace, where everything is labeled by it's Swedish name. Which is real fun for a Polish/English guy and his Italian/German wife. Again, it took us a millennium just to wind our way around to the Warehouse where all of the RTA furniture is stored. Make sure you jot down the aisle and bin numbers on a piece of paper if you're seriously considering furniture, as once you get this far it's impossible to find anything without that information (or heading back up into the showroom with Gilligan for another 3-hour tour). In the end, Ikea is just too big. Sure, it's an interesting ride and there's a lot to look at. But, so was Dollywood when we stopped in there a few years back. And, I don't plan on going back there anytime soon.